There are many things that We Bostonians can collectively agree about. Tom Brady is a God, the Yankees suck and few things in life are as wretched as depending on the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority to get to work everyday. It seems like the more prices go up, the worse service gets. IM Boston has come up with 5 ingenious ways for the MBTA to come up with some dough to improve the system so there can be no more excuses to our bosses about why we are forty minutes late.
1. Set It On Fire
Probably our more extreme suggestions on this list, but hear us out. If the whole population of the city is in on it and we do it all at once in one big fell swoop, the insurance money would be through the roof and we use that money to start from scratch. Even if we have to go back to horse drawn buggie cart shuttles we will all be saving 80% of our wait time by my estimates. If anyone rats on us, we’ll know what to do.
2. Make One Of Those Big Loops with The Tracks
We rip out all of the train tracks and make one of those big loops like Evil Knievel would do stunts on. We order a few monster trucks and hire Kid Rock to perform, set it up in Government Center and the entire city of Worcester will come out . Charging 15 bucks a seat (kids seats are just 5 bucks) and we make enough in 3 days to save our subway system.
3. Replace All MBTA Employees with Oompa Loompas
Sorry MBTA employees, but yelling at me when you closed the door on my leg and then sounding like a black hole of caring when announcing that we are experiencing delays is not cutting it any more. My cousin Greg says he knows how to get Ooompa Loompas, but he would not go into any details. They are clearly hard workers though and their jolly tunes will get our energy up in the mornings. I don’t think they know what unions are either, so it’ll be a bargain.
4. Force Bill Belichick to Become the General Manager
“Do Your Job” will become the new motto and everyone involved will be a winner. As a matter of fact, get the whole damn team involved. Cheerleaders will be the train conductors and give us that extra enthusiasm over the speakers for the day. The Defensive line will be the transit police and violently tackle toll hoppers and a lost Tom Brady will just keep taking the train with us everyday and give out autographs until we set Billichick free.
5. Rename the MBTA Goldman Sachs
It’s been 8 years since the big bank bailouts, but if my calculations are correct we’re due for another soon. If we change the name of the MBTA we might get mixed up in the shuffle and get a couple billion thrown our way by mistake. Just back out of the room slowly and then make a sprint for it when the coast is clear.